Let Go, & Let Love

i was watching qvc [shut up, there was nothing else on. & i definitely forgot it was saturday so there i am waiting for tyra to come on... bummer] and they were selling philosophy stuff. one of the bottles said:

Let go,
& let love.

& it got me thinking...
i mean, it makes sense.
but in letting go, do you lose all control?
i need some type of control in my life!
don't you?!
maybe that's my issue.
maybe that's been my issue all along?
i suppose that makes all the sense in the world.

then it got me thinking on a more general sense. i definitely need to start trusting people. but it's almost as if i've forgotten how. sure i "trust" people... but never enough. never as much as i really should. i have great people in my life that i should trust, but at the end of the day, i'm just so over being let down. i mean it's great depending on myself because i know i'm always gonna be there. & if i'm not, i can blame myself. & that will be that. i've just found that it's so easy for someone to let you down because most times they're focusing on #1--themselves. [maybe i'm wrong]. but can you blame em? seriously. i mean for me, i feel like sometimes i put other people's happiness before my own. i don't always mean to, it's just how i operate. & sometimes i absolutely hate that about myself because maybe i wanna put my happiness before yours ya know?! haha. i guess in trusting people, you gotta be a little vulnerable. [is that the right word]? which means you're putting yourself in the capability of being hurt zone. that's my issue. i feel like i've been hurt so much in the past that i can't trust anyone. or i've seen so many dishonest things happen to my parents and people around me that make me wanna never trust anyone at all. but i gotta let that go. i can't make myself suffer anymore. cause sometimes i can sit in a crowded room and feel so alone. & i think part of that reason is i don't really trust anyone. i don't have that connection to anyone. please don't get me wrong. i love my friends to deathhhhh! they're flippin amazing. no joke. but as far as trusting them, that's on me. it's really not them, it's me. my issues. but is it worth being hurt when you do trust someone and they let you down? i mean it's inevitable. well i know i have a different mindset now than i have before. i'm more positive than i've ever been. so i guess i gotta try to let go. i don't need to always be in control of my life. i'm gonna give trust another try. & as for the love part, maybe that'll come when i least expect it. [that's what they all say. haha, i'm almost forcing myself to not expect it ;)].

i'm done speaking nonsense. :)
you didn't think i could think all of this from watching qvc huh?
i'm telling you--my busy mind wanders.

♥g

p.s. this isn't the normal post.
but i wanted to type out how i felt. haha, don't worry, i'll be starting my diary back up soon. i took a lil break and i totally miss it. but i kinda like posting my thoughts. cause maybe one person will feel exactly how i do and be able to relate!

anyways, i'll be posting regular stuff soon!